Some people appear to have it together. Most people, even. Everyone faces their challenges, but it seems like for “normal” people, life follows a relatively steady upward trajectory, filling over time with steady relationships, meaningful accomplishments, and maybe even some measure of financial/emotional stability. I see it every day, but let me tell you friends… that is not my experience.
For me, life is a series of entering into these cocoons–academia, marriage, jobs, even some friendships–thinking that if I surrender to the process, I’ll emerge on the other side finally feeling like a fully-realized person. I pour into these containers, coming undone and repeatedly tempering myself to try to finally figure out what the heck is blocking me from the kind of fulfilment that seems to come so easily to the people around me. There is unquestionable value in this process. However, again and again, when the time comes to emerge, I never seem to have quite gotten the knack of it, this transforming into something solid enough to be able to fly on its own. I invariably falter, and let’s be real, the existing systems of power actively seek to prevent people from this kind of actualization. But whatever the cause, I run full-tilt into the next container, hoping this time around I’ll emerge better. Stronger. Finally good enough.
Spoiler: It never works.
As soon as I step out, exposing that soft animal of myself to the world, it just hurts. So now, maybe it’s time for an experiment. Maybe this time, I don’t go back into the cocoon. Because what if at this point, coming out of the cocoon will never be a gentle experience that allows our wings to fully dry before we have to leap into the fray? Will I fall? Absolutely. Will it hurt? Like hell. But there’s only so much growth that can happen by yourself in the dark.
A Quill of Conservation 